This Movie Sucks

This will be a blog with me carrying on about movies and what I don't like about them, or in the rare event I watch one that I actually like, I will tell you why. I know the formatting is terrible. At least it's not plain text. Actually maybe it should be. If you want to hear something, link: go here.

INTRODUCTION

The watch dates will be listed first if I can remember them, if not, well, whatever. I saw it after it came out. In most cases I watched these at home on discs borrowed from the library or streaming, so it’s gonna be at least a year after the release date. I have seen so many movies that something really has to be good for me to actually want to go to the theater or pay money to view it. No, I have no interest in sneaking into a theater to watch a film. I purposely avoid trailers because they show too much. Yes, there will be films I liked in this blog. Not all of them sucked. But a lot of them did.

**** Oh, and SPOILER ALERT – sorry I’m not going to hold back. I am giving MY OPINION and nothing else. I’m sure the people who made these films worked hard on them and I am not giving them shite, it’s just that sometimes a movie just doesn’t work. Actually, I’m giving them props about completing the damn thing no matter what! If you are reading this, do not assume I will not give away major plot points of some of these. If you want to watch one of the films I’ve written about here, do that first. Then, when you yell THIS MOVIE SUCKS, think of me. ****

Just because I didn’t like it doesn’t mean you won’t. We all have different tastes and biases, so different things are going to appeal to different people.

To begin, I’m going to go through my library history, which I know isn’t complete, but goes back a couple years. I am not listing every film because apparently I’ve borrowed over 1200 films since July of 2023.

• Irreversible – December 2023 – this has some brutal violence in it. Just BRUTAL! Can’t really recommend it unless you are specifically looking for Vincent Cassel films. The film also does the time flip, where they show later scenes first, then go back to before that time. It's done in a way which I thought was confusing. It's also in French so be advised.
• The Last Duel – December 2023 – I first came to know of this film from a trailer for the film which I'm sure is on a dvd I own. I would laugh so hard when I'd see Adam Driver trying to be serious in the clip. That, and Matt Damon’s ridiculous beard. Honestly I don’t remember watching it but I do remember that it sucked. Most likely this was a film I had on while I was doing something else.
• The French Dispatch – Wes Anderson film which I thought was alright, even though it was a bit weird. Wait, aren't all Wes Anderson films werid? Yes. Yes, they are. Definitely worth viewing if only for the female nude scenes.
• The King’s Man – December 2023 – A decent spy movie I can’t really remember much of.
• Bottle Rocket – December 2023 - Another Wes Anderson film I thought was ok, but can’t say I enjoyed it a whole lot.
• Valerian and the City of A Thousand Planets – December 2023 – I have watched this before, and really wanted to like it, but it just misses. I don’t know if it’s the lead actor, but I suspect if someone else was in the role it might have done better. Another dog by Luc Besson. Worth watching once, but THIS MOVIE SUCKS.
• The Swordsman – December 2023 – I’m not sure I remember, but I think it was good. Swordsman who is blinded, so they are kind of doing the Zatoichi thing without calling him Zatoichi.
• Anna – December 2023 – another assassin film, this one done by Luc Besson (Fifth Element, La Femme Nikita, Leon The Professional) which you should take a pass on.
• The Muppet Christmas Carol – December 2023 – A fairly good version of the Dickens classic which includes muppets, and probably one of the best versions of “death” in any A Christmas Carol films, as made by the Jim Henson Creature Shop. See the show Farscape for more fantastic muppets.
• Ava – November 2023 – a film about an assassin played by a woman. It probably had some unrealistic stuff in it. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• Assassins – Nov 23 – Stalone and Benderass. Worth a watch, but still THIS MOVIE SUCKS! Good, campy action.
• Last and First Men – November 23 – A film which uses these stone slab structures in Yugoslavia to show how life sucks in the future. Watch it for the scenery. Also, look up pictures of abandoned structures in Russia. THIS MOVIES SUCKS but watch it anyway.
• Shang-Chi and the Ten Rings – November 2023 – I still think this has one of the coolest ending battle sequences that Marvel has done after Avengers Endgame. I enjoyed it.
• Pineapple Express – November 2023 – You can still enjoy this film about smoking weed even if you don’t smoke weed.
• 65 – November 2023 – Starring Adam Driver – it was ok. Dinosaurs and a space ship. He crashes on a planet and then has to deal with giant reptiles, and a brat of a kid who speaks a different language than him. Worth a viewing! I’ve watched it a few times and I think it’s a lot better than most of the more recent Jurassic films.
• Transformers – Rise Of The Beasts – November 2023 – you know what, I watched this for ten minutes and turned it off. I just don’t see how a franchise goes from the last film with Wahlburg to this woke garbage. THIS MOVIE SUCKS! The cartoon Transformers One (I think that’s the name) was ok compared to this, and I don’t even like watching most animated films.
• Star Trek IX – Insurrection, Generations, and Nemesis – is that Tom Hardy as the bad guy? WTF? How is Captain Kirk hanging out with Picard? If you like sci-fi films and haven’t seen them, I can’t recommend them, or not recommend them. They're the Star Trek "Next Generation" movies.
• Ghost in the shell – November 2023 – I have no idea if I watched this or not, but I’m guessing THIS MOVIE SUCKS!!
• Blue Beetle – November 2023 – I enjoyed this superhero film mainly because I didn’t know anything about it.
• The Darjeeling Limited – October 2023 – another dog of a film by Wes Andersen. I do like some of his films, but this one didn’t work for me. The best part about it was when the little indian kid drowns and they have to go find his family to tell them. Actually no, that’s not true. The best part is them on the train, which is something that I could probably say about several Wes Anderson films. THIS MOVIES SUCKS. Go get yourself some Darjeeling Tea instead.
• Wargames – October 2023 – Would you like to play a game? The classic, but incredibly stale WarGames will make you wish you were watching Close Encounters Of The Third Kind instead. Very dated, but if you’ve never seen it you should watch it.
• Bullet Train – October 2023 – A fun action film which I recommend, despite a moment with someone jumping on the back of a speeding bullet train that I always cringe at. It’s a bullet train! This was done by the same people who made The Fall Guy – another one I recommend.
• The Flash – October 2023 – I try to like DC comics but something about their films that just seem to always miss a bit. This was no different. There were parts I liked, especially bringing in Michael Keaton. I’m not sure I really like the actor who plays the Flash much, and why someone with that kind of power would need a day job is a bit baffling. I mean, he could just run a bit slower and be a famous sports person. My favorite line of his was cut out of the Zack Snyder Justice League film edit (it was in the terrible original version of the film) while he's zooming around and says “It’s like a cave. A bat cave.”
• The Last Temptation Of Christ – October 2023 – Willem Dafoe as Jesus Christ what more do you want? This was far too slow for me to want to watch. I may have fast forwarded through parts. The only thing I really remember was making a clip of Jesus’ disciples in the desert headbanging to some Iron Maiden I was playing at the time. Hey, it was funny. It’s still on my phone!
• Men in Black International – October 2023 – Starring Thor and Valkyrie. I don’t remember. Actually having Thor and Valkyrie be Men In Black would've been entertaining. A crossover Marvel Series would be hugely popular. Do they fight the guy from The Flight Of The Conchords and he’s an alien with big teeth? Or was that in another one?
• The Quarry – Sept 2023 – Starring Michael Shannon. I don’t remember this at all, which might say a lot, I really don’t know. I’d bet Shannon gives a good performance either way.
• John Wick 4 – Sept 2023 – the final John Wick film (so far). All of these are good films, but I still say the first one is the best one. I’m still mad at Theon Greyjoy for killing Neo’s dog. F ucking A sshole!
• Operation Fortune – or Ruse De Guerre – Sept 2023 – a cast of characters and another Guy Ritchie film worth watching at least once. It’s alright, but not my favorite of his films.
• Cocaine Bear – Sept 2023 – a batshit crazy story about a bear who gets into some drug dealers stash and starts messing everything up. Far more entertaining that most films that Hollywood produces. Definitely watch it, and it also THIS MOVIE SUCKS!! But still watch it anyway!
• Blue Iguana – Sept 2023 – I don’t really remember watching this – dude, all of these movies you watched two years ago from now, how do you remember any of them?! It’s a film about some guys stealing a blue jewel. Sam Rockwell is usually pretty good. I went to the same high school as him so I knew people who knew him. Oh, and the film Moon he did was pretty good despite being incredibly slow.
• The Postman – Sept 2023 – starring Kevin Costner – post apocalyptic mail man somehow still getting Publishers Clearing House snail mail spam to people all over the country. Well, somebody has to do it. I’m not going to recommend you should watch this, but I won’t say it sucked.
• A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood – Sept 2023 – Starring Tom Hanks as Mister Rogers. What a crap load of a film. I have no idea why I bothered with this. You’d be better off watching Castaway on repeat. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• Jurassic World trilogy – Sept 2023 – I watched all of these over a few days. They’re ok, and the special effects are great, but I kind of don’t give a shite about the characters. Is it just that they don’t do character development anymore? Terrible actors? Bad scripts? I somehow recall caring more about the characters in the original Jurassic Park way more. Even that little shit of a kid in the original somehow comes off better than 99% of the people in these JW films. BUT they are worth watching for the dinosaurs.
• Another Version Of You – August 2023. This may have been the first time I watched this movie, but it wasn’t the last. I checked it out a couple times and kept watching it over and over until I bought a copy, which turned out to be a DVR from a library so I made them refund me and bought another copy. They didn’t want the DVR back so I actually own two copies of this film. I enjoy it but you’ll have to watch it yourself. Mokte Dapp was the director on it, and sadly one of the young actresses committed suicide not long after it was finished. Yes, I’ll watch this again in the future. It’s not the perfect movie, but it’s one of my favorites. Boy never tells girl he loves her. Girl marries another guy. He weeps, then a former NFL player gives him a drink and a magical key in a bar that opens doorways to parallel universes. I will say no more other than the soundtrack really grew on me.
• Amsterdam August 2023 – yeah, I’m pretty sure this sucked. As always if Christian Bale is in a film, he’ll be the best part of it. But I’m not sure his acting could save this one.
• Three Identical Strangers – August 2023 – ok, this was a very interesting yet completely f*cked up thing that happened to some triplets. It’s a documentary, and while I won’t suggest you watch it, it wasn’t as terrible as what happened to those kids.
• Krakatoa East Of Java – August 2023 – oh this is pretty bad with comical special effects. Do yourself a favor and read up on Krakatoa rather than watch this one. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• La Strada – August 2023 Fedrico Felini’s film about a clown played by a woman who gets tangled up with a very young Anthony Quinn. It’s a sad movie and one I can definitely say you SHOULD WATCH THIS! No, it didn’t suck, but it’s an older film so the pacing is very slow compared with modern movies.
• Conny Plank – The Potential Of Noise – August 2023 – a documentary about producer/engineer Conny Plank who worked with the likes of Brian Eno, Kraftwerk, Ultravox, and Devo. Definitely worth watching!
• Paint – August 2023 – starring Owen Wilson as a Bob Ross type character who is not likely at all like the man Bob Ross was. This movie sucked, but I’d still recommend watching it for a laugh.
• Seconds – August 2023 – I can’t say I even watched it it was so slow. That kind of Criterion Collection sit in the art house, smoking weed in the back film that you don’t really get no matter how high you are type film. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• Tenet – August 2023 – I’ve rewatched this since and along with Inception, the film still is baffling. While I felt Tenet was interesting, I can’t say I enjoyed it much. Inception had it’s moments, but Tenet was a struggle to like.
• Moonraker – August 2023 Roger Moore as James Bond. I remember my father taking me to see this in the theater when it came out back in the 1980s and while it’s very dated, I still enjoyed watching it. I can’t say it’s one of the better James Bond films, but it has a nostalgic quality for me.
• The Machine – August 2023 – Bert Kreicher’s tale of a train robbery in Russia turned into a film. Honestly, don’t bother with this film - just go find clips of him telling the story on the Joe Rogan podcast on the internet. There’s one where someone even animated it with South Park-like characters. That’s hilarious, this film missed the mark.
• The Keeping Room – August 2023 – a western sort of. Just go watch something with Clint Eastwood instead of watching this. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• Eyes Wide Shut – July 2023 – I finally watched this. Stanley Kubrick’s last film exposing the fucking elite illuminati cumbucket weirdo porno saturnalia cult. Yeah, you fucks are a bunch of weirdos. And to the reader here, that is basically a documentary. I didn’t like it but probably more from knowing about those sick fucks exist already. Then they ended Kubrick.
• Until The End Of The World – July 2023 – I’m sure this sucked because I turned it off at some point, or can’t remember anything about it. Sam Neil is in it, and they made it a Criterion Collection film so you know it sucks, but in an artful way. I will withhold judgment on this one, but I can’t recommend you watch it unless you need something to fall asleep to.
• Dog – July 2023 – Starring Tanning Chatum. I think I enjoyed this because who doesn’t love a good dog story with some kind of happy ending. I can’t say it’s a great film, but it had some moments, and I remembered it more over two years later than I did Until The End Of The World. Which reminds me I need to check out a Boy And His Dog, a post-nuclear-war -apocalyptic film starring Don Johnson and a dog. Sorry, it’s Channing Tatum. I always get those guys mixed up.
• Reminiscence – July 2023 – starring Wolverine. I don’t recall much of this, but I’m pretty sure it sucked.
• The Green Knight - July 2023 starring Dev Patel. Yeah, that guy who was in Lion – (which is a bit heartwarming albeit unrealistic), and some other films I’m sure. Other than an Indian being a knight during King Arthur times – oh, he's British? – sorry I don’t care. When you put a brown person in a role where historically in all likelihood, it would've been a white european, it's difficult for it to play well. They do this with films where small women beat up large men and it just makes it so unreasonable to consider it a possibility. Even still, the problem with this one is the script and story. It just sucked. I watched the whole movie and at the end was wondering if I should’ve just sat in the garden for two hours. Actually I wasn’t wondering, I wish I’d sat in my garden than watch this piece of crap. THIS MOVIE SUCKS!
• Tracks - July 2023 – a film about the true story of a woman who treks across Australia by herself. It was an interesting despite being a foolish thing to do alone, and her dog dying is really sad. Somehow she makes it across Australia and this made me thankful I am never going to do that.
• There are more films but I guess my library history only goes back two years, or maybe I didn't sign up on their website until then.

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